months of emptiness become moments of weakness become makings of progress become moments of happiness become months of healing
born alone before i could choose a life i would not want to lose. people will come, but they'll leave so i haven't bothered to grieve. i grow sadder the more people i meet isolation is my one and only retreat. i was born to be this way until my very last day-- die alone.
your memories of me keep me alive. i should not exist. i would not exist if there weren't those who are aware of my existence.
sadness is a gentle hug-- warm on a rainy day. i have cocoa on those days, but it's watered down-- i'm out of milk. i watch the gray sky grow brighter, but its still gray-- always gray. the sky darkens to a deep charcoal and i know it's finally night. tiny blots of light puncture my gray night; they must be spirits-- happier souls. i collect them in my mug and mix myself another cup of cocoa watered down-- a swirling murky galaxy.
what are you doing? nothing. why are you crying? i don't know. are you lying? no. let me help, i'm trying. i have to go. where are you headed? nowhere.
do others experience the same darkness at night? do they cry when they shut off the light? do their hearts beat fast as their chest grows tight? have they ever thought they weren't quite right? are they trapped and losing in life's vain fight? do they think about climbing up to a great height? would they walk on air and join the flight? i think they might.
pale skin blemished and thin. scraggly beard growing in weird. acne scars empty cream jars. hides in a sweater no matter the weather. awkward and lanky always cranky. lonely and cynical depression's clinical. fingernails are bloody tearing away the ugly.
i will work until
these walls come down
i will breathe until
these lungs collapse
i will hurt until
this pain i feel
i am alive
until that day–
that one day.
you were not born to be so unhappy
yet it is not easy to be happy.
girl, breathe and fill your lungs in deep
the time has pass’d for you to weep.
despite what heart may say,
ev’ry thing will be okay.
take one step back,
drop woe’s sad pack.
this is my last
i meant to mean it
for how i felt.
it hurt me
and hurt you.
i keep my distance
because i can’t